Alaura Bey Say: mental confusion, sex and relationships

Everyday I think about the encounters ive had over the past years. I personally think alot of people do. If your a sexually active person think about this…whenever you were having sex with that person or people, do you think you started to act like them too. how about this, if you have had a best friend and you were around them all day, did you begin to act like them. what about on regular encounters, you sitting next to a person and all the sudden you begin having strange thoughts you never had before. This is transferring energy. we are like wifi posts sending signals and waves to each other. some people are aware of this and some people are not.

when it comes to doctors and psychologists i feel like they have a way of making a person believe that being different is a name. your mixture of you-ness is completely different from anybody else. you can eat a chocolate cake and it can change you.now, with that in mind, i think that having sex with multiple people can screw you up in the long run unless that is your vision of what life should be. the rest of us want careers, stability, peace. if you have all types of dna inside of you it can be hard to find a good path to stay on. this could be like multiple personalities because one day you may feel like johnny and the next day you may feel like ryan and everything you did yesterday may seem pointless and the next day might be completely off the path. who are you today? This is why i have choosen a monogamous/polyamourous life style. i dont always feel like being “wife” that word carries many bars and locks. Whatever we do to reach equilibrium is what we do.

In my past, i was curious about sex and what it meant to be in love. I am the type of girl who finds out if i don’t know.Nobody really told me about sex and how it changes your mind and makes you start behaving more like someone else than who the people that were around me thought I was. Talk about a mind Fuck. I was young, my first encounter was when i was 11.  I didn’t know what was happening inside me. i felt like an agitated horney teenager. I didn’t like rules or my mom. she was always telling me where i could not go. this was my mind at 11. I wonder if people are aware of their subtle personality changes when they hang around other people not like them selves.
Its deeper than this.
As i was growing up i had more and more partners and they were all special to me. Each boyfriend got more and more intense and seeing other girls my age have babies and get to live with their boyfriends or have jobs seemed exciting to me. It was as if that was the point of living. Grow up have babies live for your kids go on trips, eat and be happy. In my world it was like that was every parents nightmare, especially mines. So i would sneak just to have sex and i would sneak around and have a boyfriend or two. determined to have my first child with the boy from 1 period english. This was very important to me. Nobody told me this was taking me further and further away from my old personality. my eyes were clouding with baby fluid and kissing up and chasing guys who gave me the attention i had seen on tv. TV, that robotic actor paid to act “sexy”, paid to be in a relationship for a show. My mind wasn’t there yet.
when I was first able to live with my boyfriend i took full advantage and moved right in. i told him i wanted to have babies with him. we tried and tried and nothing happened. But what did happen was the beginning of my shift of thinking. i was forever caught up in trying to be the perfect girlfriend or side chick, i didn’t know who i wanted to be anymore. I didn’t see the point in school. I didn’t see the point in college or making friends. I was a hole. I was co dependent, jealous and narcissistic, depressed, lost and reflecting all of this to my partner. i had no sense of being. this is the worst part, my head was all mixed up when i didn’t want to be his girl anymore because my likes and dislikes changed. I didn’t want or like thinking of my self as just a hole or a mouth.My need for more intelligent minded conversations was growing because i had realized that i was not just who my parents raised anymore, I was who I  became.

I began to study art and drawing again in life because i felt i had to do something or be about something besides sex and relationships.Learning art helped me realize the importance of having a craft that i build on and get better at to add to my self projection. my creations make me feel good. finishing any project is satisfying and this was something i was lacking in the relationship field because depression was holding me hostage. All the time spent trying to have a baby or switching boyfriends for a fix of new love took its toll on me. I had it bad for this one guy who left my heart dried up like a old leather. I was going on and on in my mind trying to find what he felt like again in another, not realizing that my insides were changing drastically. The music i listened to, the people i reflected upon. my family felt different and foreign to me. I was morphed with an identity crisis on the horizon.Holding still to my inner artist and my emerging author inside. i had notebooks filled with poetry and writing about love and boyfriends. i had sketchbooks with tattoo art because i thought i was going to be a tattoo artist.
when i left my first husband (yes i call him my husband because we actually lived together for awhile)i went on to live with my family and i realized how much the media has shaped their view of who i am to be. i felt like i failed at their view of me and that the only thing i could do was just get a job and get paid. Meanwhile i tried to focus on art, but that thing about being lonely and wanting a certain type of attention crept up again.
Here’s a thought about houses where media is the main thing, no focus on love. no focus on each other its just about what is on the tv or video game systems. Family time becomes watching somebody else act like their in a family and then and then wondering why nobody has time to talk or be. worry. worry about having enough money, worry about doing enough activities or watching enough movies. All the F waves in the house was causing paranoia in me. i had to be a wife, i had to have kids. i had to right my wrongs with the man that left me first. he made me feel more like my old self again. It would be Like making love to my old reflection in the mirror. at that time i loved that reflection better. Keep that in mind. Now, multiple personalities, which person was i when i could handle this situation better.i liked when i was with this guy, i was more of a family woman, someone who enjoyed being around. Now i had no desire to be around for to long, i felt like i was failing life for not having my life surrounded around a guy or around my family. i was cooped up in my grandmas old house, pleading with the most highs for a new husband, a new way to run out of the house i was in.
I did not like my personality. subconsciously i knew if i were to jump into it with a new guy i would become new. someone i had never been before. i first of all would be a better version of girlfriend 3.0. I didn’t even realize the lies i told my self or other people. I felt like i had to prove i was the best girlfriend who ever lived. Anything to get out of my grandmas house.
im not going to go more into the stories of my past, but this excerpt of my life is important because it points out how multiple personalities can be linked to having sex with more than one person in life. i thought it was a game to look for the one, i thought that the right one would give me status. i thought about how i could act to get him to have sex with me or want to marry me. even if the guy was a jerk in my family’s eyes, something inside me knew that i was looking for something specific and it wasn’t what my parents were looking for for me.i was morphing for what i thought was real love. That was only half of me.

Looking into my life now, i see how my mind is altered by other people and i am better able to consider my friendships and who i want to influence my mind. This has brought me to a more self centered point in life because i am better able to not be faced with so many different belief systems mixing around in my head.
now i am with my current husband and i feel alike in so many ways and we grow together in our own ways.I now realized that a life of introspect makes me happier and i don’t spend a lot of time looking at other guys to compare him to any more. its never the other person,its always you. what you like or dislike about yourself is not because of your partner. its about you. Multiple personalities, you can change your own personality if you see fit. Me writing this to you write now is changing me and helping me pin point what it is that makes me who i am today whether i like myself today or not.
Thinking on a bigger scale, these personality traits that i chose to hang on to that remind me of my old spouses are still all in my head fading away as i stay routed in my journey with my current spouse. we both believe in not leaving each other until we die. That seams real to me. That says deal with your junk and stop trying to change personalities to fit in a another guys lap. what people show you in the begining is only the half of it. I attracted the opposite of my flaws so he tells me when im fucked up and even teaches me a lesson if i need one. it sounds messed up, but im actually proabuse. If you do something wrong to the person you lay with, do you think they dont have right to react the way they react? Reflection? Do you think a reflection would stand still if your moving? now im not talking about killing a person, im talking about a good old spar up with words, or tusseling just like you do when your making love. thats whats serious. when you are serious about forever with a person, sacrificing the happiness of everyday for running away is what makes broken homes. enduring though it all even if its painful is what a real family does. even if its just two people.
concluding this essay on multiple personalities. Rid your self of “disorders” and get some sun light and nature. eat nature foods and ask the most highs how to get through any trial between you and your partner or anybody around you. Try to be attentive to those around you who want your attention whether its negitive or positive, it says something about you and who you are. you are you. all in one.
I am not an expert in multiple personalities, i just know that there are times i want to do and be as many things at once and thats just not possible it just causes stress and stress breaks down the mind. The expectations of many people and the desire to be loved can cause a split mind heart attack.the pressure of not living up to others view of you is a task. Someone somewhere wants to see you succeed, but, me being the real live version of the person they see in their head is looking at all the steps to be in that light and saying i can just because it sounds good not because i really thought it through.
i find simplicity is an awesome. one mind. one people. unity. freedom.
13 wisdom.
-Alaura Bey

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